This week, Dear Reader, we will continue with the series of articles looking at interpersonal relationships. This one deals with a problem that is becoming pervasive.
If God had inscribed an 11th commandment, it might well have been, “Thou shalt not whine.“
Two Kinds of People
Winners Stand Out
Motivational author Keith Cameron Smith says that there are two kinds of people: winners and whiners and they are easy to tell apart: winners brighten a room when they enter it, whiners brighten a room when they leave it.
If you’re not sure which you are look at your friends, for birds of a feather do flock together. Which kind of people do you surround yourself with: winners take responsibility for their actions and their lives. Whiners play the victim, blaming their troubles on everyone but themselves. Winners seek out ways to accomplish the things they set out to do, whiners seek out excuses for why they fail. Winners tend to energize one another, share their successes, congratulate others, and find the good in all things and praise it. Whiners discourage others, gossip, wallow in self pity, and find something to complain about all things. Have you ever noticed how groups of whiners actually have competitions to see whose life is the worst?
Self pity is the largest part of the dark cloud that leaves a room when a whiner walks out of it. Self pity is much like a pig that wallows in its own bodily wastes. The more it engages in this behavior the worse it smells, and the more objectionable it is to those who don’t. A group of pigs can tolerate each other because they all stink and have become accustomed to the smell.
Generally speaking, winners will avoid hanging out with whiners and vice versa. Winners do occasionally spend time with whiners when trying to help them clean themselves up. Jesus (the ultimate winner) took time to be with whiners to influence them for the good.
It’s Your Choice
Being a winner or a whiner is a choice. If you choose to be a winner, it demands that you focus on the positive, learning to appreciate, encourage, and find the good in yourself and others. Whiners tend to be very negative and become unconscious of just how much they whine.
The Challenge
Available from Amazon
In The Top 10 Distinctions Between Winners and Whiners, Keith Cameron Smith offers a seven day challenge. Try going seven whole days without complaining. Not so hard? Try it! Here’s how it works: honestly evaluate your statements each day for negativity, complaining, gossip, and nastiness. Only you know the score, so if you cheat you are only cheating yourself (proving you are a whiner). If you go 3 days without complaining about any one or anything, then complain on the fourth day, you must start over at day one. When you can go seven whole days without a single negative comment, you will have become very aware of the power of your words, and of how negative you used to be. You will also notice the winners and the whiners in your life on a deeper level.
In researching this concept a bit more I found an issue I will include that Mr. Smith did not – perhaps he felt it was self-evident. That is that we need not feel defeated or start the challenge over on account of negative thoughts. At least not at first. Our thought processes are, by and large, beyond our immediate control. We are to hold ourselves accountable only for those thoughts that spill out through our lips to influence others.
In time, as we learn to embrace the positive and deny the negative, our thoughts will follow our speech and we will begin to become truly positive people. As for me, I choose to give up snarkiness. I choose to be a winner and help light the way for those who would follow. Will you try too?
If you are already a winner, you may disregard this message and accept my heartfelt congratulations.
A Litmus Test for Negativity
Perhaps you are thinking, “This is all well and good, but how is this done?” I’m glad you asked! A while back my friend Dr. Calvin Metcalf covered this topic and he offered an excellent three point test for negativity in the remarks we might make:
- Is it true?
- Is it kind?
- Is it necessary?
Let’s take a common conversation as an example, gasoline prices. You are with a group of friends who are talking about the increasing cost of fuel and its effect on everything they buy and the economy in general. It would be a “natural” thing to join in and moan about how the greediness of the oil companies has impacted your life.
1) Is this true? Yes, it is true that the prices have gone up and an impact is being felt, but it is entirely the fault of the oil companies? Are you an economist, do you know this as a verified fact or are you parroting opinions you’ve often heard from others and randomly placing blame?
2) Is it Kind? No, definitely not.
3) Is it necessary? No, griping about it to your friends is not going to solve anything, so what’s the point? If you want to gripe, gripe to your congressman.
By using this simple, three point test to assess our conversations we can learn to avoid negativity in our conversation and steer ourselves toward a more positive, and happier, existence. My old saying for this week: “Find the good and praise it.” Instead of letting negativity consume you, actively look for good, positive things in your surrounding and be glad of them. Share you findings with others. Yes; they’ll think you’ve gone nuts, but won’t it be more fun than being just another old sour-puss?
Answer ball:
Mitchell Allen
railroad companies
sandra becker
vinyl cupola
Bruce
Interesting post, Allan! I’m definitely way more winner, but I might just have a little whiner in me at times. I’m sure we all do. I do try to avoid hanging out with people that are way more whiner than winner because one of my pet peeves is “venting”. If someone has a real problem that you’d like to discuss, I’m more than happy to do that and help them out in any way that I can, but to sit there and just vent out every little thing that bothers you (or talk badly your spouse about nothing really) just drives me crazy. I stopped hanging out with my girlfriends in the neighborhood because it always turned into a trash talk fest about their husbands. I just think this is so disrespectful and really annoying. I’ve been paying attention to my “little white lies” and I’m going to pay attention to this, too, now. I’m suspicious my whining is going to be happening mostly at the workplace, too. Working in customer service, I am subject to a lot of negativity from people. Fortunately, I don’t take my work home with me.
I would agree Jess. From what I know of you, you are definitely a winner. As you say; we all have a bit of a whiner in us, but as long as we can keep that part of us under control, we’re OK. People who let that part of them take over, become chronic whiners.
Working in customer service as you do, you probably face a steamroller load of negativity every day. Do you think seeing so much of it make you more aware of negativity in your own life or tempts you to follow suit?
It doesn’t tempt me to follow suit, because, truth be told, some people are just downright mean. For me, it does more of a “note to self-don’t ever say or do that kind of thing. I try to keep in mind that when people are exceptionally angry or upset over something that doesn’t call for that kind of emotion, it’s probably something else that’s really bothering them.
Great point Jess; sometimes someone who is having an especially bad day will take their frustrations out on anyone within tongue’s reach. And, as you say, there are those who are just mean to the bone. I’m glad you’ve developed the armor plating needed to deflect those assaults.
Thanks!
Great article, makes me stop and think, I try to be positive and not whinny but there are days. The fact that I am old and resemble Maxine is enough to make me stop and think, her whinning is funny but most of that stuff is not. So I need to pray for help to stay upbeat and positive and pass that on, instead of being someone who should be shut away in a closet.
That’s great, Joy; the whole idea of this series is to get people to stop and think.
We all have those ‘days’. The whole idea is to keep those days from becoming a life style. Practice makes better.
Thanks for stopping in and for commenting!
Hi Allan,
Very nice post! Many people are good at complaining, whining and playing the victim. They focus on the negativity instead of the positivity. In life, if we want to achieve our goals and become winners, then we have to start thinking and acting like those successful people who focus on the “good” in every situation. Thanks for sharing
Thank you Dia! Well said; it does seem that humans are hard-wired for negativity and that comes easily to us. It takes an effort to reverse that.
Thanks for dropping in!
I’m glad you included the litmus test. The problem I have with most people who preach positive thinking is their refusal to acknowledge that it’s a tool — a valuable tool — but only one of several that we need to survive and succeed. Sometimes the person who recognizes potential problems is the person who will help you make the right decision. When our teenage daughter wanted to take the car and drive through a blizzard to see her boyfriend, our negative attitude may have very well saved her life.
As far as whining, my family would probably describe me as a whiner, even though I don’t think I fit your definition at all. I just notice things, positive and negative, that most other people don’t seem to pay attention to. I can see how that can be annoying at times, but I also know there’s a very positive side to it, as well. One thing I’ve been trying to do lately is watch what people do, and pay less attention to what they say. I know some very positive talkers who do some very negative things.
But all in all, I’d have to agree with you: dwelling on the negative and complaining for the sake of complaining is pointless, and very often destructive. Great post, Allan, as always.
Oh, no, no… I do not mean to preach positive thinking over responsible thinking. Had you said, “Oh sure sweetie-pie, here are the car keys, I’m confident our positive attitude will see you safely through this blizzard.” You’d have been courting disaster.
Noticing things that are amiss can help improve lives; “Son, I couldn’t help noticing that your football helmet is on backwards. If you turn it around you’ll be much better able to see where you’re going.” might help the team win the game, where as thinking, “I don’t want to bring him down, I’ll just let him learn on his own” would be irresponsible; unless he’s on the opposing team from your kid.
From what I know of you Charles (mostly through reading your excellent stories) I’d say you are not a whiner. From your description here, you may be a nit-picker, but that’s another annoyance altogether!
I’m sure your intentions are good though.
Your study of words versus actions sound very interesting and I look forward to your story on those results!
Thank you for your insightful comment, Charles!
Allan – I know a few whiners in my life and they are always playing the victim in every situation that turns out bad for them. I try not to surround myself with these type of people because their behavior can easily rub off on you.
I like the idea of the seven day challenge and I’ll give it a try during the next seven days just because I’m curious to see how long I last. Thanks for sharing this.
Pessimism is like cooties – you are better off to just avoid those who are infested!
Thanks for dropping in Jason, and I wish you much success with the 7 day challenge!
Allan, I’m down with the challenge man! I’ll keep you posted on the results….I’m sure I’m in for a rude awakening, but that’s probably a good thing:)
This was a great post…..much appreciated.
Jason
Thank you for the kind words Jason, and much success with The Challenge. It will be an eye opener I promise!
Hi Allan
I sure don’t hang out with whiners…..well not anymore. The old saying “birds of a feather” comes to mind. It is so easy to get swayed and before I know it I could be whining along with the whiners!
No thanks. My glass is mostly full to overflowing. I count my blessings every day and it’s interesting when I meet a whiner. They can even whine about my positive attitude to life lol Stands to reason they are not around me anymore
One of the positives about blogging is all the amazing people I am meeting. So many that are affirming and encouraging; why would I hang out with the whiners?!
BTW like the practical exercise too. Will be doing it cos may be whining without realising. Hope not but gotta stay real
Patricia Perth Australia
Good for you, Patricia! Avoiding whiners is almost impossible; there are so many, but your practice of counting your blessings daily and being grateful for what you have is a great way to stay on the upbeat side of things.
Bloggers are amazing aren’t they? I am so glad to have met so many people like you on this journey.
I felt it was important to include the litmus test – I read a lot of stuff where people say, “be positive, be positive” but they don’t tell you what that means or how to do it. That’s just a sample, I have lots more, but didn’t want people nodding off in the middle of my post!!
Thanks for the encouragement Patricia, and success to you on The Challenge.
Great post, but I’m certainly not taking that kind of challenge. If I did, I might not have anything to write about. lol Writing aside, my life is definitely more positive than negative, but I have my periods when I can whine with the best of them. After all, I am an only child, so I was fairly used to having my way. Actually my wife says I pout more than whine, but I think I love both here and there. lol
Then again, I figure I couldn’t have accomplished the stuff I have if I were such a whiner, right?
As Charles pointed out earlier, bringing to light things that are amiss doesn’t have to make you a whiner. Whiners tend to complain about stuff, but they rarely offer any solutions, just want someone to blame. I don’t think that describes you at all.
As you say, you have accomplished quite a lot in your life; whiners rarely succeed in anything but dragging others down.
We all have a little whiner in us – that’s only human. Keeping that from taking over is the key.
Thanks for visiting, Mitch, and for joining the discussion.
I actually have both sorts of friends and I react differently depending on whom I’m with. Ain’t no point in trying to convert a whiner because they don’t seem themselves in that way. May as well talk a wall.
There’s no way in hell I’m going to take that challenge either, in case I find myself in the wrong camp
As for the oil companies, yep, it’s all their fault
I agree; reforming a whiner that doesn’t want to reform is as useless as trying to rehab an alcoholic or drug abuser who does not see their habit as a problem. Until they want to change, they won’t.
Awww, c’mon Sire; taking The Challenge won’t kill you! And if you do find you’re in the wrong camp – and don’t want to be – you will have taken the first step toward improving yourself. Not that you need improving, mind you – I’m just saying – if you did
You know I can stop myself from saying negative things but not from thinking it so I would probably lose the challenge anyway.
Ah… but *thinking* negative thoughts does not count against you, it’s only those thoughts that spill out through your lips (or a fist connecting with someone’s jaw) that give you a Do Not Pass GO, Do Not Collect 200 Dollars card.
Only a Zen master guru Dali lama or something can get to where they never even THINK negatively (and I wonder about them!)
But, actively practicing something make you better at it. Looking for postitive things around you helps to ward of the negative. Sounds corny, but it really does work.
OK, I won’t say that I will take the challenge, but now that I’ve read this post I will be more active in monitoring what comes out of my mouth, and I will probably end up cursing you for it
Fair enough!
Whoah. 7 days without complaining? That’s intense! Have you tried it? Have you made it through the 7 days?
I’m winner-ish. I can actually be a pretty negative person. I have very little patience with myself and that sometimes translates into little patience with others. But it’s something that I’m aware of and have been improving.
Thanks for the thought-provoking post, Allan. I have to admit, though, that I’m kind of nervous about the end-of-the-day questions come tomorrow evening!
Yes, yes I have. And I’ll even admit that it took me almost two MONTHS to pass The Challenge the first time. It gets easier after the first. The head-shrinkers tell us that it takes doing something consistently for 21 consecutive days for it to become a habit. I’m not sure I’ll ever get there, but I’m trying!
Hard-driven, success oriented people do tend to be a bit impatient, especially when others seem to be lagging or slacking and holding up progress. However, I can not say I’ve seen you display this with your posts or comments. Even with me – and I’m sure I’ve tried your patience on an occasion or two :O
I know what you mean about being nervous. Next Tuesday’s Prattle post is likely to get me slapped around a bit. But, it is the last one on ‘relationships’ so, if needed, I can just slink off in another direction.
Heading your way now… see you soon!
Hey, I can make a living out of whining! Or at least some very funny Youtube vids….
Life is…what it is. Looking at it with laughter is far more enjoyable than simply whining (although I will admit, giving myself permission to whine at the universe is quite satisfying at times too).
Very true; life is what it is. We can’t change the past, can’t do a whole lot with the present, but we deterimine our future by what we do with the present.
And if you can make a living poking fun at whiners… go for it!
Thanks for dropping by, it’s always good to see you.
Allan, is this a different blog of yours? I like it!
I have been a victim before. And when I learned it did nothing but hold me back more, I decided to stop it. And if there’s one thing I would love the power to do, it’s to change the perspective of victim mentalities everywhere. You are not your past, and you are not all the bad things people did to you. Excellent article!
Thank you Bryan, it’s good to see you here!
Yes, I have several blogs. I’m trying to cut down, really I am!
Hello Allan,
The winners and whiners concept is right on. It dawned on me that some relationships are nutritional and some are toxic. How do you which is which? How do the relationships make you feel. I recently went through an inventory of all my relationships to see which ones needed to be terminated or at least redefined. It wasn’t easy but it did open up space for me to fill with more healthy supportive relationships.
Riley
Good observation Riley. If I ate something that left me feeling yucky I’d probably not eat it again. If I’m hanging around with someone who leaves me felling yucky…
Thanks for stopping in and adding to the conversation!
Allan,
Certain people really do bring sunshine with them, where ever they go. I give it my best shot to make friends with these people and their nature rubs off on you eventually.
If you are a certain type of bird that is negative then find a flock that is less negative and hang with them.
Michael.
You’re so right Michael. Welcome, thanks for dropping in and for commenting!
I definitely like hanging out with winners. I’ve had a few people I had to work with (volunteer organizations) that were so down all the time. I tried to let a little peppy positive attitude rub off, but there is a type of person that I think thrives on whining.
At home I have been trying to spotlight the positive things the kids do and not harbor on the negatives hoping this would have a better effect. Sometimes it is so hard and I have to really consciously think about what I say before saying it. I believe it when you say it isn’t as easy as you’d think.
Thanks for sharing Melinda. I can’t say how it works on younglings, but I know in a business environment accentuating the positive rather than harping on the negatives made a big difference in morale and work performance. Once they decided I wasn’t insane.
I’m sure someone who specializes in Finding the Humor in life is a leg up on the rest of us in seeing the positive.
I always think of myself as positive and upbeat (without whining or complaining) but, and I say but, the 7 day challenge felt a little intimidating. So maybe there’s a little something lurking in me. Hmmm.
So I’m on board! 7 days, no complaining, no little teeny tiny comments like, “I wish so and so would….”
Great post Allan.
Cheers,
Tanja
You seem like a “winner” to me Tanja, I don’t recall seeing any whiny posts on your blog. Even your rant had a positive spin to it. I suspect you’ll make it – though don’t get discouraged if it takes a couple of runs at it.
Thanks for visiting and for joining in!
Allan, this is excellent.
I only whine when I’m in pain. Otherwise, I tend to be very, very positive.
I like the conversation between you and Charles regarding responsible thinking.
When “The Secret” was making the rounds, I loved its positive message. What I didn’t like was that there was no hat tip to responsible thinking! So, you have these testimonials about “thinking up some money in the a.m., refund check from XYZ was in my mailbox the NEXT afternoon!”
Whatever. Good luck building a secure financial foundation with that nonsense.
On the other hand, by examining our mindset and eliminating limiting behavior, positive thinking becomes an AMPLIFIER of our determination to reach a desired goal. No mumbo-jumbo, no hype. Though I’ll admit, it’s cool to refer to the Law of Attraction as a shorthand that many people recognize and can relate to. I do it all the time, hoping that folks don’t take me literally.
I’ve been enjoying your posts. Do you have a new RSS feed? I miss getting notifications.
Cheers,
Mitch
Hi Mitchell, good to see you back here again!
First let me apologize for the RSS feed debacle. There came a point where I decided I wanted to offer some instructional stuff for newbie writers,and that just didn’t fit in with Simple Life Prattle, but it DID fit closely with my business web site http://www.AllanDouglas.com. So I moved the Prattle to a new site with it’s own domain name and built <a href="http://www.AllanDouglas.com/blog/" target="new"The Write Stuff as a new blog under my business domain.
Short version: Yes, it has a new feed address
You are welcome to subscribe via RSS, but if I may tempt you, I do include extra Member Only goodies in the e-mail notices. And that list is used ONLY to notify you of new posts, which are normally once a week. I won’t be flooding your in box with junk mail, I promise.
Thank you for your insightful comment. Yes, being positive is a good thing, but it can not be the only tool in the box.!
Thanks for dropping by Mitchell, sorry for playing The Old Shell Game on you with RSS.
No worries, Allan.
I did see the new site and all and I was “positive” the right opportunity would come for me to ask.
I’ll do the email instead!
Cheers,
Mitch
Hi there.
Lol! Yeah, I guess that should be on the Commandments. Since people are always whining about anything. Well, not to mention, I myself do that too sometimes.
I ‘spect we all do it occasionally, the trick is to not make a lifestyle of it.
Its hard not to feel sorry for yourself at times but the trick is too snap out of it quickly and regain a more upbeat and positive attitude. Generally i can achieve that by looking at all the positive points in any given situation and then concentrating on them. Whining out the door and happiness back in
Thanks for sharing, Tony!
this is great, definitely going to try this challenge – I think Anthony Robbins mentions something similar on a tape somewhere, the seven day mental challenge – makes a lot of sense, cheers
This is an excellent post! Because of your blog, I am now more convinced that I am a winner and I should remain to be one. Life is beautiful, thus I must live live beautifully.
Thanks, Amie.
This is really good and necessary to hear.
“Instead of letting negativity consume you, actively look for good, positive things in your surrounding and be glad of them.”
I am making this my new matto.
-Lana
Glad you found it useful, Lana. I’m sorry it took so long to post your comment – my spam filter has been surreptitiously piping a lot of comments away and hiding them. I just discovered this secret hiding place and was amazed at all the comments squirreled away here. Trying to figure out why it did that instead of putting them in the regular spam folder.
Oh..I love a good whine…. with cheese…….
Great read.
spread the humor:charlywalker.wordpress.com
I don’t think I can go seven days without complaining because my coffee pot will surely act up during that time. I try try try not to whine. I have a 6 year old that takes care of that enough for the entire family so she’s our designated in-house whiner, so I can refer the like over to her.
I had a good friend that I truly adored but she was such a negative person I just couldn’t tolerate being around her. There is a difference with joking around complaining…and true complaining.
So true, Melinda; a little good-natured sarcasm can be fun, but griping all the time is such a downer. Who wants to be around that?
Wow! This is really a great post. I was in the middle of feeling sorry for myself when I started reading it. It’s amazing that one can slip into that mindset, almost like it’s the default position, and not even realize it.
I guess because our eyeballs are always looking outward, it’s too easy to get the impression the whole world is coming at you, rather than you moving through it.
I’m glad you found it useful, Jim. Thanks for stopping by!
When I read your post, I thought to myself, “that’s easy”, then left for work (where I interact with a lot of whiners it seems).
Well, it wasn’t so easy, I never even made it to morning coffee time & I found myself having to “catch myself”.
Seven days? Now that’d be a stretch it seems…
~Bruce – Not a spam slinging alien lifeform
It’s definitely tougher than one might think, Bruce. I was amazed at the amount of negativity we deal with (and dish out) without even thinking about it. This challenge really made me stop and take a closer look. Thanks for sharing and I hope you continue to try.
nice post is share on this site because in friendship we face different types of person.